An End to a Quest
by Warner Hedgehog
Summary: Star Wars meets The Holy Grail. Sort of.


Jedi master Arthur and battle hardened clone warrior Lance trudged to the top of the hill. Before them, in the midst of a mysterious and eerie lake was their final goal: they had made it to Castle Aargh, the final resting place of the Grail.

As they reached the edge of the lake, they boggled as much as dignity would allow as an ancient looking boat silently drew up at a rickety jetty. They knew this was only way to reach the end of their sacred quest as the badly scrawled signpost told them. They boarded quickly and the boat made its own, unpiloted way through the murk to the castle.

They disembarked on another grotty looking jetty and looked up at their imposing destination.

"The Castle Aggh. Our quest is at an end!" Arthur proudly proclaimed. Both he and Lance knelt, "Yoda be praised! Almighty God, we thank Thee that Thou hast vouchsafed to us the most holy,"

They were rather surprised as a dead sheep was chucked over the battlements at them causing both warriors to yell "Jesus Christ!" before Arthur fended it off with the Force.

A familiar head popped it's head up, "So we meet again Arthur Jed Eye!" The outrageously accented Frenchman called out, "Hello, daffy Jedi kniggets and Monsieur Arthur, who has the brain of a duck, you know! So, we French fellows out-wit you a second time!"

Arthur glared up at his taunter, "How dare you profane this place with your presence!? I command you, in the name of the Jedi Knights of Planet Camelot of the Republic, to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which the Force itself has guided us!"

The guard was unimpressed, "How you Jedi say, I one more time-a unclog my nose in your direction, sons of a window-dresser! So, you think you could out-clever us French folk with your silly knees-bent running about lightsabre waving behavior! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy lot of second hand electric Hutt bottom biters."

Arthur was having none of their continental gibberish, "In the name of the Senator Palpatine, we demand entrance to this sacred castle!"

They were interrupted by a large bipedal green creature who was being trailed by a much smaller, furry quadruped. "Excuse me folks," asked the big green thing, "Is there a castle guarded by a dragon and surrounded by a lake of lava near here?"

"I think so. We passed such a place but 2 miles in that direction." Arthur replied.

"Thank you your majesty," said the quadruped.

As they walked off in the direction Arthur pointed, the bigger creature spoke, "How'd you know he was royalty?"

"The crown for one, the servant behind him and the fact he wasn't caked in," replied the small furry thing before being interrupted.

"Oh I see. Fair enough." And they went on their way.

The French guard looked a bit puzzled for a moment but recovered in record time, "No chance, sappy bedwetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your door opening request a silly thing. You tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!"

Arthur was incensed and ran up to the castle entrance, "If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force!" He was forced to pause as the French poured slurry onto his head, "In the name of God and the glory of our," he yelled before getting another tubful of filth dropped on him, "Right! That settles it!"

"Yes, depart a lot at this time and cut the approaching any more or we fire blasters at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha!" Shouted the French guard.

Arthur stomped away from the door, "Walk away Lance. Just ignore them." He whined quietly. That git in tower was going to pay.

As Arthur and Lance unhappily slouched back through the surprisingly shallow water to the mainland, plotting their revenge for this terrible taunting, the French taunter cheerfully yelled, "And now remain gone illegitimate faced buggerfolk! And, if you think you got nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet! Daffy Republic kniggets! Thpppt. Go and order 66 pizzas, Monsieur Arthur Jedi."

Lance stopped and blinked. This wasn't expected, but this was an unresistable order: 66 meant kill the Jedi Arthur. He drew his blaster and turned to shoot but in the process tripped over a blenny and fell into an unexpected inter-dimensional portal, a hole in reality that closed up as soon as he fell in and wound up dumping him onto a volcano on Io. This was the last straw and Arthur simply shrugged and muttered "Bugger the sodding Grail" before turning to head back to Camelot. Before he could step in its direction he was struck by a lightning bolt and vaporised. A cloud above parted and God peeked out, "Bloody followers. It's like having to deal with a boxful of utter pox-faced moron pelicans. Useless berks the lot of them." As the cloud closed up, God could be heard muttering about how acolytes and worshippers were as useful as a bag of concussed ducks.

The cloud reopened as God returned. He glared at the castle and with a slightly narked thought reduced the Frenchmen to ash. "Stop being so bloody smug." He commanded before going again.


End file.
